If you’ve ever had to deal with a tense family situation, you know how stressful that can be. It affects not only your relationship with the person in question, it affects how you interact with the others in your immediate household, too.
Of course, there’s no question that a toxic family member will bring the most stress to you, your spouse, and kids. But there are ways to calm the chaos and start focusing on your immediate “inner circle” family first.
Here are ways to keep damage to a minimum when dealing with toxic relatives:
• Put things in perspective. Bestselling authors Dr. Dave Braun and Dr. Troy Amdahl, in their book, Oola: Find Balance in an Unbalanced World, write that, “Powerful emotions tend to drive your responses and decisions the closer someone is to you.” If you had a fight with your spouse this morning, that's huge. But if you’ve just heard that your sister-in-law’s ex-aunt is divorcing . . . well, that’s not so troubling. Adjust your emotions to fit the event.
• Calmly and responsibly process the junk that comes up. When confronted with someone else’s emotional outbursts, wild demands, or wayward decisions, what’s the most loving thing you can do? Have you thought about their motivation? Do you have all the facts? How can you support them, guide them, and love them unconditionally even though they just delivered the emotional equivalent of a tsunami?
• Set boundaries. If you have a spouse, adult child, in-law or some other family member who is hurtful, manipulative or abusive, it’s your decision how much longer you’ll put up with the disrespect, bullying, financial drain or emotional trauma. But realize that, as long as you fail to act, it’s a good chance others in your family are being hurt besides you. Decide today to respond differently to toxic family members. Build healthy boundaries. Demand to be treated better. Be specific about the new behavior you want. And if it’s physical abuse that’s happening, get some distance . . . now. If you need help, get it—asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
• Don’t let the needs of others affect your inner circle family. Taking in a nephew who’s addicted to meth, loaning out the upstairs room to an impoverished uncle, or even becoming primary caregiver to an aging parent in your home . . . these decisions affect your inner circle family—including your marriage, your kids and your own equilibrium. Think carefully about your decision and investigate the alternatives thoroughly.
• Teach your kids to “suit up” for family gatherings. Just like firefighters and first responders get in and out of toxic environments quickly, you can teach your kids to be prepared for family barbecues, holidays get-togethers, and other events where you know toxic family members will be attending. Arrive late, leave early, and teach your children to let nasty comments and other bad behaviors roll off them without harm. You’re responsible to keep them safe and protected, but also to teach them how to handle the jerks, gossips, and faultfinders of life.
Of course, working on creating an amazing family unit is only a part of the process of creating overall balance in your life. There’s also your finances, fitness, career, faith, friends and funtime to consider. The key is to decide what you want in these areas, make some goals, and stay accountable to taking action daily to bring about those goals. Working with a coach can help keep you on track and accountable for results.
That’s where I can help.
As a Certified Oola Life Coach, you and I can work on every major area of your life. Together we’ll face what’s not working for you and create a workable plan for lowering your stress, creating life balance, having more fun, and pursuing major life goals that are important to you.
Hit the reply button and email me back about YOUR ideal life. Have you thought about a breakthrough goal that would get you there? Email me some days and times that work for you and I to jump on a 30-minute call to discuss how coaching works to improve family life, careers, finances, health and wellness, and more.
You deserve an amazing life. Together, let’s help you achieve that in 2022.
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